Saturday, September 5, 2009

train station

I'm sure each of you can relate back to a point in your life where you felt you were at a standstill. It felt like everything around you was moving forward, like the train analogy, everyone jumping on board and you're left at the station waiting for your train to come and pick you up. Is it possible to feel like your at a standstill when so much of your life is changing?

I ask this because that is where I'm at in my life. Nothing in my life is the same, well except for the fact that I'm still single, but even that has hit an all time low. If ever a point in my life shouldn't feel like a standstill it should be this moment. I started a new job, for those of you who didn't already know, I am training to be a pharmacy tech. A good job that could easily be something that I enjoy and foresee doing long term. I still have plans of going back to school and will enroll full time in the spring but my major has nothing to do with Pharmacy, and the more my simple brain learns about the program the more I realize how much memory is involved. I've never had a job where I wasn't the "go-to" girl. I've always held positions where I was the one "in-charge" and "knew what she is doing". To watch how a pharmacy functions and know that at this moment I can't add any value, not only frustrates me but has put me in that standstill mind frame. I try to suck in as much information as I can but unfortunately I am the opposite of a sponge, though I suck it all in, little actually stays with me.

I am having to learn how to make friends, that are girls... something that I haven't dealt with in a very long while. Most of you don't know this, but in my previous position, out of 65 people I interacted with approximately 12 were female. What is my point with all of this? I've gotten comfortable working amongst men. My new position is almost all girls, who are all my same age. Most girls would embrace this, find it comforting and a bit of fresh air... to me, I find it as a new challenge that I'm hesitant to attack. I don't know how to handle drama, or hurt feelings. I've never been good at bragging or being sympathetic. I have found myself this last week, observing, keeping to myself and just trying to take it all in. To me I almost feel like I'm hiding my true identity which has always been outgoing, funny and interesting... I'm just not sure how much of me can get wet in a pool that is already pretty full.

And of course how could I forget to mention the lack of interest I have right now in the male population. I've always been comforted in knowing that even though I wasn't 'in a relationship' at least I was dating. It was reassuring knowing that there were guys out there who found me adorable and irresistible; but as of late, a large shortage has taken effect and I'm left to question the future... I'm not super upset that I'm single, there are many pluses to it, but now and again it would be nice to have a warm body to curl up next to while watching a movie or knowing that another Friday night isn't going to be spent alone or "girls night out" (nothing against my sweet sisters, just needing a little testosterone).

So I sit at the train station, waiting for that train to pull up that is going to have the much needed answers on it... and hopefully, just hopefully, it will be headed down the path that I've intended...


Steph said...

I listened to a talk this morning after I read your blog post and I thought you should listen to it too. It was a recent BYU devotional and is really good! I hope it can help a little also know I am always just a phone call away! I love you Jennie!

Adam and Shari Crawford said...

Sometimes life slows down for a bit, but those are the moments I brace myself for the rainstorm that is to come ;) It always seems like more action or blessings come pouring in after a rough (or less smooth;) time