Family History

So I need to admit something to my blog followers. Something I should probably be ashamed to share but it needs to come out. I thought the idea of family history was a bore. I never thought it would be interesting nor did I have any desire to take part in the research. I always figured that is something you do when you get old and especially in our religion, that's the only time you do it.

We had a wonderful lesson in church last week on Family History and I was disappointed in myself that I knew very (and when I say very I mean VERY) little about my ancestors. I listened to several people share their stories of great-great grandparents who did remarkable things. I left feeling down on myself for being to self involved in myself and not taking a few minutes to find out about, well... my family!

I came up and visited my aunt this weekend, she has done a good amount of research on my dad's side of the family and we chatted about it for a couple of hours. She pulled out huge binders full of stories and pictures of my ancestors. I spent the next 6 hours going through these books, learning about these men and women who sacrificed so much. I only made it through a small portion of the stories but it made me eager to do some of this myself. I listed a couple of interesting facts from my grandparents and above that I thought I would share. I plan to squeeze in a few hours over the next couple of weeks to get my own book started. I'll keep you posted on how it goes.

- My grandpa loved to dance and play music. He said any spare moments he had you could find him dancing or singing.
-My grandma served a mission, worked in a beauty shop and didn't get married until she was 27. (There is hope for me!)
-Most of my great-grandpas were polygamists. Not one had less then 12 kids. When polygamy stopped they were forced to let go of some of their wives. Many struggled with this decision and continued to keep them even if it meant they would be put in jail.
-I had a great great great grandmother who loved to sew. She and her husband were good friends with Joseph Smith and Emma. My grandmother sewed a lot of Joseph's clothes for him, including the outfit he was killed in.

Just a few stories that stuck with me... I'm excited to gather more :)

My novel

I decided to do a little excerpt from the book I am writing... I'm only about 54 pages into it and still am having some trouble figuring out where I want it to go but I thought that my faithful blog followers could give me some thoughts and inspiration about this one page insert that I have provided. Yes, it may seem like a spoiler but trust me its only the beginning for what else I have in store :) Like I said... its only about one page of the 54 I have written (I shrunk it down and single spaced it) but my mind is all over the place right now that I work on different sections at different times, depending on the mood I am in. I literally pulled this from one part in the story. I apologize if it doesn't totally make sense in the beginning. Bear with me... when you read the whole thing it will.

Have a great day!

My lungs were gasping for the fresh air that so desperately tried to reach them. This simple act felt more like a reward and I wasn’t deserving of it. I fought back the tears, refusing to let even one hit my check. Crying only meant that I was allowing the truth to sink in and the truth hurt too much to believe.

“Holls that was Jim that just called. He was following a few cars behind Grace. I guess she stayed at his place last night. His car was one that was involved in the accident but he made it out with just a few broken bones in his right arm, he didn’t know who else to call.” “Holly, her parents don’t even know yet, where can I get their phone number? You need to come in and sit down, you’re shaking uncontrollably.”

It made sense why the screen door kept tapping against its frame. My hand was frozen in place, thoughts and images I couldn’t keep out but didn’t want to let in. The pains in my stomach were like acid. The only thing that I wanted to do was remove everything from my inside to stop the searing pains that were being created. I don’t remember how I made it to the front room. I think Scott finally managed to push the door open, picked me up and carried me in there. He set me down on the floor, and quickly moved all the clutter that covered the loveseat. I didn’t let him pick me back up, somewhere between his 210 lb build and my little 130 lbs I won the battle. I wanted nothing more then the carpet to suck me in. Hide me from the world and pretend that I never existed. I could hear Scotts voice in the distance somewhere. He was asking questions with impossible answers, his words started blending into each other. The ringing in my ears of cars honking and people screaming started to indulge every sense in my body. I heard him talking to someone, but didn’t remember anyone coming through the front door. It took me a minute to realize that he was on the phone, sharing the same horrible news that I had received what seemed like hours ago. The carpet beneath me started to irritate my face from the shagginess of it and the soggy center I had left from my tears. I tried to raise my head, but even that was like asking me to lift the very house I was laying in.

I didn’t move from that spot all night long. I remember Scott coming in and trying to lift me again, but with my helpless efforts my body laid there as if I too had died. Sleeping wasn’t the answer. I felt like my eyes were the enemy. Every time they suggested shutting I would see the very thing I feared; the scene of the accident; Graces white Honda Accord once so striking, now nothing more then a pile of rubbish. I could hear her screams and pleading for someone to stop the pain and get her out. Then I saw me, sitting in a car just a few feet ahead of her, feeling the same pain that she was experiencing. I tried to avoid the thought, the selfishness of how I survived and she didn't. The overwhelming feelings sent a whole new set of emotions and I prayed right then and there that my wish would be granted and the carpet would finally suck me in.

The night had seemed like a blur. At some point Scott had mentioned the phone call he had with her parents, his apologies that he hadn’t handed the phone to me to hear their condolences and receive them. They had found out the news a few hours prior to Scotts call and were waiting at the airport to fly to Florida. He told me that he had called my parents as well. Tyler demanded to speak to me, but it was I who pushed the phone away, refusing to open my mouth to anyone other then Grace. He confirmed something with Scott, but the extra effort of trying to decipher what that could be was more then I was capable of.

The sun burned my eyes as it seeped through the blinds. I finally blinked for the first time in what seemed like hours. I stared at the patterns in the carpet. Small pieces of shavings from Scott’s projects molded themselves into the webbing. I shaped them into unlike designs. Scott’s heavy breathing came from the coffee colored love seat behind me. Knowing the size of the couch and the length of Scott’s body, he couldn’t be very comfortable. He must have transitioned everything he was working on from the love seat to the couch. I’m sure he was regretting that decision but too exhausted to move it all again. Zoe rested her head on my legs. She made eye contact with me but some how understood not to get too excited over my small movements. The sound of car engines being awoken from a restful sleep was heard in the background of Scotts breathing. The day was beginning, never missing a beat or pausing to feel the pain that now moved freely inside of me.

These are the people

My sweet friend Holly repeats this saying to me quite often and tonight it resounds in my head more fervently.

"People come into our lives for reasons we may never know. Sometimes they come for a short while and others for much longer periods of time, but believe it or not they come when we need them to"

I am still amazed at the sweet spirits I have in my life. I always know who to call when I need a boost of confidence, a shoulder to cry on, someone to laugh with and someone to reminisce with. I know who will pick up the phone at late hours of the night because yet again, I can't fall asleep. I know who to call in the middle of the day when the boy I like smiled at me and I need help interpreting that. I know who to call when I just give up and can't push forward anymore. I have endless lists of friends who just know how to pick me up when my wings have trouble remembering how to fly. I can't say enough on how much these people make a difference in my life... most of the time they don't even know they are making a difference. The last couple of weeks have been difficult, even after making the decision to stay, and still I have my rocks, my hero's, my comforters, my friends in my life cheering me on and pushing me forward. Sometimes I get upset with Heavenly Father, afraid that maybe He just isn't as aware of me as I had hoped. Then I look around and see the good people he has blessed me with and know that He uses them to help me down the rocky road I have come to.

These are the people I look up to. These are the woman and men that I hope someday I can be like. These are the people who have all the answers to my much needed questions. These are my friends.

train station

I'm sure each of you can relate back to a point in your life where you felt you were at a standstill. It felt like everything around you was moving forward, like the train analogy, everyone jumping on board and you're left at the station waiting for your train to come and pick you up. Is it possible to feel like your at a standstill when so much of your life is changing?

I ask this because that is where I'm at in my life. Nothing in my life is the same, well except for the fact that I'm still single, but even that has hit an all time low. If ever a point in my life shouldn't feel like a standstill it should be this moment. I started a new job, for those of you who didn't already know, I am training to be a pharmacy tech. A good job that could easily be something that I enjoy and foresee doing long term. I still have plans of going back to school and will enroll full time in the spring but my major has nothing to do with Pharmacy, and the more my simple brain learns about the program the more I realize how much memory is involved. I've never had a job where I wasn't the "go-to" girl. I've always held positions where I was the one "in-charge" and "knew what she is doing". To watch how a pharmacy functions and know that at this moment I can't add any value, not only frustrates me but has put me in that standstill mind frame. I try to suck in as much information as I can but unfortunately I am the opposite of a sponge, though I suck it all in, little actually stays with me.

I am having to learn how to make friends, that are girls... something that I haven't dealt with in a very long while. Most of you don't know this, but in my previous position, out of 65 people I interacted with approximately 12 were female. What is my point with all of this? I've gotten comfortable working amongst men. My new position is almost all girls, who are all my same age. Most girls would embrace this, find it comforting and a bit of fresh air... to me, I find it as a new challenge that I'm hesitant to attack. I don't know how to handle drama, or hurt feelings. I've never been good at bragging or being sympathetic. I have found myself this last week, observing, keeping to myself and just trying to take it all in. To me I almost feel like I'm hiding my true identity which has always been outgoing, funny and interesting... I'm just not sure how much of me can get wet in a pool that is already pretty full.

And of course how could I forget to mention the lack of interest I have right now in the male population. I've always been comforted in knowing that even though I wasn't 'in a relationship' at least I was dating. It was reassuring knowing that there were guys out there who found me adorable and irresistible; but as of late, a large shortage has taken effect and I'm left to question the future... I'm not super upset that I'm single, there are many pluses to it, but now and again it would be nice to have a warm body to curl up next to while watching a movie or knowing that another Friday night isn't going to be spent alone or "girls night out" (nothing against my sweet sisters, just needing a little testosterone).

So I sit at the train station, waiting for that train to pull up that is going to have the much needed answers on it... and hopefully, just hopefully, it will be headed down the path that I've intended...